This Girl needed the rain

I love the rain, it speaks to my soul.

It is why I live in the pacific northwest. When others are droning on that it has rained too long and are wishing for the sunny days of summer, I am still relishing the drizzling grey days. The days that darken early and awaken late. The days when the sun is merely a shadow of illumination, those are my days. The fall is my season. November is my month. Days spent with a hot cup of coffee, evenings spent with a book, a dog and a drink.

I can feel with a calm clarity and I can tell you waking up this morning and smelling the rain and hearing it pitter patter on the leaves of the rhododendron outside my window I felt like I was finally able to breath.

Quick recap for those of you just tuning in.
After twelve years of marriage and two months after the birth of our third 'Dick' met another woman and decided he'd rather dick around with her. So my three beautiful girls and I moved in with my parents and I filed for divorce.

In a new twist of events Dick has decided since our third baby has dark brown hair, in contrast to the other two who have blond curly hair, that I must have cheated on him and he wants a paternity test. I acutally laughed. Loudly.

Which is a far better response than brooding for two weeks over the comment that our girls need a strong female role model and his new girlfriend fits that description. I spent two therapy sessions on that.

After that he was genuinely shocked that I would have a problem if his girlfriend attended some deeply personal family events next week.

It is the spreading of my beloved mother in laws ashes. My sister in law is flying up with her family from California and it is going to be very emotional for us all.
In fact, Dick has no balls as he had not yet told his sister that we were divorcing and she sent me a very cheerful 'cant wait to see you' text with all kinds of excited emojis and hearts. So I had to tell her, via text. Something that infuriated me. He said he was going to tell her, but again, no balls. He, of course, has said he would do lots of things, like pay off the credit card that has tens of thousands dollars on it.

It was the rain, this morning that helped me keep my sanity. It reminded me that fall is coming.
 My season.
It reminded me that I will be okay, I will move on. I will rebuild my life.


Anyway, I'll keep this post short since next week will, I am sure, be long winded and very emotional. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

This Girl and her Lemons

Took me forever to get this post out.
Two reasons: One being my Macbook is an 'antique.' That is what the guy at Apple told me. It's slow and there are no up dates for this any more. It is seven years old. I bought it on my last vacation, before I got pregnant with my first. I have not taken a break for myself in seven years. You may wonder if Dick has taken any vacations, and the answer wont surprise you. Yes, he has. Several. Any way my antique computer froze up completely and had to be nursed back to health again. Sad computer.

Why not buy a new computer you ask? I couldn't even afford the dell computer on sale. I have very little money to my name and I have to save it for moving in to my own place and furnish it with basics, like beds for my children. *Suck in deep cleansing breath*

Moving on to reason number two. While conversing over text with my cant be soon enough ex and voicing my displeasure that he is already introducing his new girlfriend to my kids he made the comment "I want my girls to have a strong female role model in their lives."
*release angry seething breath*

Boy, that is a stinky layered onion isn't it?

I cant even begin to put all the thoughts and emotions to words.

I thought I was good. I thought I was moving on. I thought I was making progress.

The logical side of my brain is screaming at me that he is just being mean and trying to get under my skin. But the emotional side of my brain let it get to me.
Dick has placed a monetary value on everything in his life and that included me. Being that I never made much money and certainly not a dime for the last two years he had very little to no respect for me at all. Despite everything I have ever done for him to make myself worthy, it was never enough.

I needed to cool off from his comment and I turned to something that I have loved my whole life. Something I do when I am stressed to the max.

I bake.

I stood in my mother's kitchen and stared at her mixer for a very long time trying to summon the energy to pull out ingredients and preheat the oven. But I had no motovation. I had no desire to bake. I had no desire to do anything.

I got angry with myself, for letting him effect me. I got angry at him for thinking that this newer model of me was a better role model. And yet despite all that anger and bitterness I still didn't want to bake.

I really don't know how long I stood there. Finally, when I found myself I tried to write.

Anything. I was willing to write anything. I have three stories going. I have a journal of the events for my daughters to read when they are ready. And I have this, my boring blog. And yet still nothing poured from my fingers. I couldn't even get my brain on track. I sat in my chair of doom for a few hours and produced nothing.

It took every bit of what I had left to turn to my sewing machine and finish the pocket squares. It was fairly mindless and I did it. I completed them. My first batch was nearly ready to sell. So, a small accomplishment. Something to be proud of. But I still felt the weight of his words.

I felt them all the next day. I felt them in my therapy session and I still feel them now.

And I realized that it is going to take me longer and it is going to be harder to get from underneath him. After twelve years he had no problem moving on and yet the idea of even being attracted to another man is stomach turning.

I need to shine. I need to move on. I need to show my girls that happiness and joy can be found even in the darkest situations.

Life has handed me a whole bale full of lemons, and when life hands you lemons, don't sugar coat them. Freeze them and throw them back.

So for now, all of my lemons are in the freezer...just waiting to be released.

This Girl when to a Seattle Sounders game and holy crap!

Do you know someone that is a freak about their team and their sport? Are you that person? Do they wear their teams colors and shout robustly during the games? Do you? Are you that person?
Do you attend the games with vigorous regularity? Do you bedeck yourself with your teams colors? Do you have capes, scarves, flowers, face paint, hair dye, and jerseys? Have you ever marched in a pre game parade?
Maybe you do all those things.

That is all well and good. Go your team. But have you ever been to a sounders game?
Do you know what happens at a Seattle Sounders game? Are you aware of the following and the passion their fans possess?

Look at them, they literally pay homage to their team. 

I have been to professional sports games. I have watched the Mariners lose, in person. I have gone to Super Bowl parties hosted by crazed fans. I have been surrounded by raving Canucks fans. And not a single one of them holds a candle to the casual Sounders fan. Not. One.

I attended my first Sounders game this last Friday against DC United and let me tell you, there is nothing like it.
It doesn't begin on game day. It all begins immediately after the last game is over.

In the weeks leading I thought I was doing my due diligence and watched a few games and was becoming a 'fan.' My sister spent our time together giving me the low down on every player, their stats and their physical conditions.
She has her favorite players. And one in particular. Remick. And when Remick's name is called and he trots onto the field she jumps up and down and starts screaming and then she leans over to me and says "I have his shorts!"
The way she says it, I get the mental image of her sneaking into his bedroom and steeling them in the dead of night. Really she bought a pair of shorts with his number on them. But her sneaking into his bedroom is a much better story.

Personally, I was already becoming partial to Stephen Frei. Maybe its still the sweeper in me (a defender in soccer terms) that makes me favor and protective of the goal keeper, I dunno. Maybe it's because he's cute, I dunno, but regardless his dedication was winning me over.
And I knew Martians was injured and I was becoming partial to him as well after I watched him play his heart out with a broken nose. No matter what, I was becoming a Seattle Sounders fan very quickly. I liked the way they passed. I liked the way the team still held together without their star players. They were a Team inside and out. That is something I feel is lacking from a lot of other sports. Its about the hero on the team or the best player, not the team itself.
All of this did not prepare me for my first Sounder game.

We started out with a Pre game parade. Parade? Why yes, a parade. The fans, casual and not so casual (aka the super fans) sing and chant. They march, wave their flags and scarves and insult the other team. These are the most organized fans I have ever seen. This is a good time to get a song card. A song card? Yes, but I will come back to that.

Then we found our seats.

Look how close we were! They were great seats. See the people sitting. That is the last time they did that. 

Soon Dr. Stephan Newby came out to the field and the most amazing and brilliant thing happened. He's on the big screen and he begins to sing the National Anthem and he has the most incredible and rich voice but only after a few bars he invites the entire stadium to sing with him. All forty thousand of us.

And as one patriotic voice we sang together with such passion chills ran through our souls. It was an awe-inspiring moment. It wasn't a dull or flat affair, there was no somber note to the tone that I heard so many times when I sang the Anthem in school or at sporting events. Here at the Sounders game we sang with such spirit and loyalty there was no denying who we were. 

It occurred to me as we all bellowed the final notes that this is how it should be at every event and it should be sung as though we were announcing to the world who we were for the very first time. 

The game begins and they stand. All of them. For the WHOLE game. I am not kidding. Every fan stands. So wear comfortable shoes. If you don't have comfortable shoes, buy them. You'll thank me later.

 Pro tip: If you are going to go to a game and you have never been before. Dive into your closet and find something green and blue to wear. It wont matter if the colors don't match, it wont matter if it happens to be the craziest outfit you own, in fact the zanier the better, wear it. 

We were close to the lively end of the fans.

See them over there on the left? Waving their flags? Some where in the middle of all of that is a guy with a very large set of drums and in front of him is a guy with a bull horn. They call out the songs and we all sing. Get your self a song card, even if you don't sing, the lyrics are clever and very entertaining, but I encourage you to go ahead and sing. Sing loud and proud, it's all part of the experience. 

The game was an intense one. There were so many close calls. So many great plays. So many gasps of anticipation and ah's as the play didn't quite make it. There were a few tense moments where we were biting out fingers in fear, but the game was scoreless. 

I had been told by some people that we were going to lose because they were playing without most of their key players due to injuries or being called up to play in other leagues. (I haven't quite figured all that out yet, Ill keep you posted.) 

Finally, near the very end, they scored. It was awesome. We screamed and screamed and screamed. We clapped, we sang. I had no idea how much celebrating I had done until the next morning my voice was horse.

And there were flames!

FLAMES! They were so hot I felt the heatwave from my seat. 

Now sadly early in the game Stephan Frei the goalkeeper suffered a potentially devastating injury. He leapt into the air and was hit by another player sending him to the ground at an awkward angle and he landed on his shoulder and neck. It took some time, but he got back up. Admirably later in the game he took himself out and he disappeared into the locker rooms as the crowd chanted his name. He returned later with his arm in a sling. And we all mourned, silently praying he'd be eligible for the next game and praising the soccer gods that the injury wasn't more severe. 

See him down there in the center with the sling. It was very sad. This pic was taken at the end of the game while the players were shaking hands with fans. 

I had a fantastic time. I will be going again. I plan on watching the games at home when I cant make a personal appearance. 

It is truly a well rounded experience, one that should be had by all. Only, probably shouldn't bring the kids. There was a lot of profanity, and noise, but really profanity. 

Tune in for my next post about the following day...and what I intend to do about it.