Took me forever to get this post out.
Two reasons: One being my Macbook is an 'antique.' That is what the guy at Apple told me. It's slow and there are no up dates for this any more. It is seven years old. I bought it on my last vacation, before I got pregnant with my first. I have not taken a break for myself in seven years. You may wonder if Dick has taken any vacations, and the answer wont surprise you. Yes, he has. Several. Any way my antique computer froze up completely and had to be nursed back to health again. Sad computer.
Why not buy a new computer you ask? I couldn't even afford the dell computer on sale. I have very little money to my name and I have to save it for moving in to my own place and furnish it with basics, like beds for my children. *Suck in deep cleansing breath*
Moving on to reason number two. While conversing over text with my cant be soon enough ex and voicing my displeasure that he is already introducing his new girlfriend to my kids he made the comment "I want my girls to have a strong female role model in their lives."
*release angry seething breath*
Boy, that is a stinky layered onion isn't it?
I cant even begin to put all the thoughts and emotions to words.
I thought I was good. I thought I was moving on. I thought I was making progress.
The logical side of my brain is screaming at me that he is just being mean and trying to get under my skin. But the emotional side of my brain let it get to me.
Dick has placed a monetary value on everything in his life and that included me. Being that I never made much money and certainly not a dime for the last two years he had very little to no respect for me at all. Despite everything I have ever done for him to make myself worthy, it was never enough.
I needed to cool off from his comment and I turned to something that I have loved my whole life. Something I do when I am stressed to the max.
I bake.
I stood in my mother's kitchen and stared at her mixer for a very long time trying to summon the energy to pull out ingredients and preheat the oven. But I had no motovation. I had no desire to bake. I had no desire to do anything.
I got angry with myself, for letting him effect me. I got angry at him for thinking that this newer model of me was a better role model. And yet despite all that anger and bitterness I still didn't want to bake.
I really don't know how long I stood there. Finally, when I found myself I tried to write.
Anything. I was willing to write anything. I have three stories going. I have a journal of the events for my daughters to read when they are ready. And I have this, my boring blog. And yet still nothing poured from my fingers. I couldn't even get my brain on track. I sat in my chair of doom for a few hours and produced nothing.
It took every bit of what I had left to turn to my sewing machine and finish the pocket squares. It was fairly mindless and I did it. I completed them. My first batch was nearly ready to sell. So, a small accomplishment. Something to be proud of. But I still felt the weight of his words.
I felt them all the next day. I felt them in my therapy session and I still feel them now.
And I realized that it is going to take me longer and it is going to be harder to get from underneath him. After twelve years he had no problem moving on and yet the idea of even being attracted to another man is stomach turning.
I need to shine. I need to move on. I need to show my girls that happiness and joy can be found even in the darkest situations.
Life has handed me a whole bale full of lemons, and when life hands you lemons, don't sugar coat them. Freeze them and throw them back.
So for now, all of my lemons are in the freezer...just waiting to be released.
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