I have really struggled to write this post. I have written it three times and erased it three times. There is so much emotion going through me, I am having a difficult time expressing myself.
I am getting a divorce.
It is absolutely devastating.
It is devastating to awaken from a dormancy in my life to realize how much I was being controlled and manipulated.
It is devastating to realized how I was used.
He took advantage of my painful and difficult second pregnancy to buy a Camero. A freaking Camero. I hate that car. The fiery passions of the deepest parts of hell cant hold a candle to my hatred of that car for a myriad of reasons.
But none of that compares to me discovering that, lets call him Dick, has been having an affair. And that anger and humiliation is nothing compared to the angry grizzly bear mama in me when I discovered that not only has the other woman, lets call her Joan, has met my children several times, but Dick instructed my oldest to keep it quiet.
For some strange egotistical reason Dick was sure a five year old was going to keep his dirty little secret and that it was appropriate for him to do so.
When I confronted him he said I was lying, that I was manipulating him and could no longer control him. Just keep the camero in mind.
I have been advised to stay the high road, no matter how unfair to me, stay the high road and it will work to my favor in the end.
So I informed him that I was uncomfortable with Joan being around the kids, bear in mind that we have only been separated for three months and he is already comfortable with bringing her around.
With that, I told him how inappropriate it was for him to ask the oldest to keep it quiet.
I guess that was controlling too, he told me so.
What does this all have to do with a pocket square?
Before Joan, I had bought some fabric.
I had been trying to be amicable. I had been trying to be flexible. I had been trying to be reasonable.
As a gesture of peace and friendship I was going to make the girls matching dresses and a pocket square for him. Things like that are important to him. Dressing nice and fashion.
Isn't it gorgeous? It is beautiful. The girls are going to look great, but when I looked at the fabric I had cut for him I wanted to throw up.
How could I have been so stupid?
I dismissed his change in behavior as a result of his mothers cancer and sadly her death two weeks before our third was born.
He was being so nice to me, he was helping around the house, mowing and taking care of chores. All the things I had been doing.
I had encouraged him to go out with his friends and decompress.
He would come home at four in the morning, two hours after the bars closed, but I didn't push or question. If I asked he said he was hanging out with friends and I let it be.
I had trusted him.
He always had a low opinion of me. I never met his expectations. I was never good enough.
Dick always went out of his way to find something I did wrong.
He never thought I was going to amount to anything.
I had never really had much ambition for anything, quite the opposite of him.
But when I became a mom, I knew that was what I needed to devote myself to and I did.
Dick wanted me to have a career, be a mom and do everything else.
I stared at the innocent square for a very long time. What on earth was I going to do?
Dick wasn't giving me much money and I was going to have to go apply for food stamps, despite his making ninety nine thousand dollars last year. He claimed he had no extra money.
We didn't even have a savings account. He didn't believe in saving money.
He spent it.
All of it.
What was I going to do?
I am better than him. I can do better than him.
I decided that I was going to make more money than him, I am not going to rely on him, because I cant. I am going to show my daughters that I can rise above. I can take care of them and give them security and safety and I was going to start by selling the pocket square.
I cut up the rest of my fabric and sewed them.
Isn't the maroon beautiful? I loved working with this fabric, I'll be sad when it's gone.
I am going to sell all of them.
I am going to build my own life.
I am going to build an empire.
Starting with these.
I have dozens of each, in varying sizes.
They are fun and vibrant, like my oldest.
They have spirit and attitude like my middle.
And they are fresh and radiant like my baby.
Contact me kristinek121@gmail.com
or comment here.
This is the beginning of my life.
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